They say well laid plans are essential for achieving goals.
I am quite sure there is truth in that statement , but I also think there are so many more crucial elements necessary for what I would like to call a "success cocktail."

I am learning through trial and well...failure...that motivation is the most important ingredient to making changes and or accomplishing anything. Plans mean nothing if you have no reason to follow them.

Speak Less...Say More

So, the kids are at camp this week, and what am I doing with all this extra "me" time? Surprisingly, not too much.
and I have been thinking... I have this blog...
But I never write in it...
I never write in it because the things that inspire me to speak the most
also inspire me to be silent...
There is never a shortage of talking in this world...everyone knows everything or
wants to be heard

Is anyone really listening? Listening these days... it is something polite people do... no seriously, some people do actually care and want to hear... I have to believe that...
But most... well...listening is something we really have to work at...
and by that I sadly mean... we work to look as though we are absorbing the depth of what is being said without showing hints of the notes our minds are making about our own rebuttals or bent , or even what we will be doing after we escape the conversation...
...now about these  listeners... us listeners... whether their (our) inner gears are visible or not, in the end,  the gut of the speaker will usually reveal if the message has been heard... and from the perception of the speaker will sprout various results depending on the determinations...
I mean, for example, if the speaker has determined that the listener was only a poser and that the content of their sleeved heart was not  truly digested or even given a second thought... then a weed of resentment could easily sprout
or a weed of self-deprecation
You know...it has happened to us all...we pour our soul out to someone about something that is important to us only to be interrupted or the subject changed...
it sends a loud message...
"were you speaking? Blah, blah, blah ...it's not about me so don't care...'anywho'..."

And then lots of us don't take it personally when we are not heard ... we just don't speak anymore
...we think deep thoughts... but we don't share

So how lovely it is when on rare occasions...
someone listens and really takes in the depth of our communication...
they don't give advice or fix anything maybe
...but we know they have heard us...
and within this safe harbor
...our human value is secure...

So... today I am promoting listening... really listening

Sometimes Life is just Difficult...

Sometimes things just aren't good ...and there is nothing you can do about it.
I try to control something... anything in my life, but I have come to realize that the things I thought I had control over... well... I was only fooling myself...

In a split second at many given times, I have watched as stations or accomplishments...really anything in life that I thought I had attained, or that I was blessed to enjoy for a time,  just fluttered away like the impossible to tame butterfly that finally found an opening in the jar...

I control nothing... and so I am afraid...
I need to control something... I need situations to be fair and for justice to prevail...
I am learning that only happens in good books and on TV.

It becomes ever so dreary and unbearable. When I can't take it any longer, it becomes imperative that I escape...
only to where can I run or hide?...There is no where...no place...
It has to be dealt with... it has to be felt and it has to be faced.

I can not bear it today however... so here is to more strength tomorrow.

Of course I know this is where I am suppose to have faith and trust the one who is in control... my Lord and Savior...

...sigh...I wish I had that faith... but... I don't

Dying to Become

I'm hip on the song  "Dying to Become"  by Kutless... I like it because it is about me and the shame of my over reaching in trying to help others like my friends or my children... but really anyone I guess.   I mean they didn't write it for me, but they could have ... by my incessant need to redirect to the path I think those I care about should follow, I push them away...

       ...I don't hear them when they need to be heard
...I don't hear them because I am too busy talking...
   
       "We draw the lines...and we cross them too...we don't know what we've done...but its what we do

                                  ...dying to become...more like you..."

So in the name of treating others like myself...in the name of loving others as my self...

                  Oh God...even in the name of Jesus...I get on my soap box thinking I am right and I end up hurting people ...the very people I want so badly to be there for...

                 What's to be done? All I can do now is go to Christ. I know when I ask Him to forgive me, He does, but its just that I make these terrible and unintentional messes...
               
   ...so I am asking Him to clean them up or show me how

   ...to all the people who I have not heard when they needed to be heard
       
    ...to all the people I have hurt by my own agenda

                ...I am so sorry

Feelings are such Tricky Masters...

Feelings..moods, they are such tricky masters... maybe because they are not suppose to be in charge... but at least for me, the truth is, I operate much of my life as though I am enslaved by them.

Of course on an academic level, I know I am far more complex a creature than how I feel... I know this... that I am so much more.

               ...only when a wave of emotion rushes over me, I can't seem to ever find my footing or remember anything else about myself.  I allow the emotion to define me. I am Sparky the forsaken , or Sparky the devastated, and suddenly my world reverts to the cold dark place it has been for me for so long
                ...the place that I thought I had long escaped from for good.

So I am making a  pact with myself that when I am swept under the current, I will feel the water but not succumb to it's confines.

I will just be and experience the depths of the water
                ...and then, I will move my feet to find my footing...they still work...they can still feel...so I will use them

                ...and I will start to walk...and if the current is too strong I will let myself go so that I can float above the water...until the waves settle

               ...because the waves will settle.. they always do... and when they do then if I am far from shore, I will have to swim.  If I am still within the shallow end, as I so often am, then I will stand and walk out of the experience...stronger and wiser...

                ...and more apt to remember next time not to give up so quickly.

Only this is all about me. The truth is, more often than not I come out of sorrow, or anger, or any other oppressive emotion,  lost and stranded... 
                  ... yet no matter how far I drift or wander as the case may be, I know You are there, in control and waiting for me to ask for help. Sometimes, I don't even ask for help but You swoop in anyway and save the day.

                ...only, I always forget that ...

When I feel the water sweep over me, I panic and gasp for breath...and that very act of breathing in threatens to  drown me...

                ...sigh...maybe someday, when I grow up, I will be able to graduate to living out the different strategy I have laid out for myself.

The Mission: Choosing the Right Side

So in this world, there are two main kingdoms; the kingdom of the world ruled by Satan, and the kingdom of heaven , ruled by God. I am only just now realizing that all of my striving has been to win and move ahead within the kingdom of the world. Yet, no matter how hard I have tried or how surprisingly willing I have been to sell out for success, I have not been able to crack the code. Wow, even as I write this, I am amazed particularly by my own articulation of being "more than willing to sell out."
It's not something you initially set out to do ...sell out that is... but as you move along life and you see people succeed at various levels... you want that... you know?  Well, at least I want that. I want the world to see my value... I want to show them all that I matter ... I need to convince them to love me... sigh...
Only that has not worked thus far. In fact, I am as a rule, a day late and a dollar short... you know...never even close to being "in the right place at the right time."
...or is that not true?... no... it is so curious that no matter how hurtful an untruth is or what rabbit hole it sends me spiraling down, I am so willing to latch on to things that are only at best, illusions of pure truth...and it does matter because these illusions are deadly.
The truth is that when I look to the Light who is Christ Jesus, and I don't look to the  right or to the left...then I move forward...I find purpose...everything falls into place... I know this... so why am I so easily distracted? Why do I default to the emptiness of futile pursuits that my enemy, who is still loose for a time, will never allow me to win at;  especially when I know what is at stake?  Why, when I have someone who loves me to a depth that I can't even comprehend,  do I seek after the approval of those who have no concern about me other than what I can do for them?
I don't know the answer to that...
                   yet...
 so I guess I am still on "the mission."

In His Heart a Man Plans His Course...

Hmmm..."In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9.

Yes, I like this verse very much. First, it reassures me that God is always in control. But more than that...it helps me to move forward.

Sometimes I feel as though I have already burned all of my bridges down without ever crossing even one of them ...it's like there is something pressing that I was meant to accomplish...only...I haven't ...and it doesn't look as though I ever will.

These feelings haunt me daily...that there is something I need to be doing...something that is urgent because the days are short...but when I try to manufacture purpose on my own, my efforts spin like a wheel stuck in deep spring mud...the kind that splatters on everyone nearby, including unsuspecting bystanders and we all do down in filth.

So, this verse...yes ...this is good..because this reminds me that I need to climb into my Father's arms and listen...I want to listen about what He made me for. I have been trying to teach my children to use their ears to listen, but the truth is...I need to learn to do the same...listen more and talk less that is.

I like to listen to my Father in Heaven because I know that when no one else in the world understands me, ...I mean , even I don't understand, I know He does...I know...and I know He likes to talk to me...about lots of things...His plans , my plans, people who need extra encouragement, both the beauty and the sadness of this earthly life...

Isn't it funny though and almost tragic, that so much of I my conversation  is about me? Hmmm...this is something I would expect from a young teenager, and yet, here I am
...its all about me once again in "MeMe" Land.
...thank God that He can still use me somehow despite my selfishness...I guess this human quality is a tough one to shake...especially when I am relegated to a rather minimal circle of  trusted friends. Ha, ha...always an explanation/excuse...the world according to me is greatly flawed.

Still, I know that God placed my talents within my body and dreams within my mind...and so I know that I can trust Him with them to complete what it is that I need accomplish. The things I want to accomplish on my own, well, they won't bring the peace that I would imagine or end my longing for what I can't quite put my finger on...they won't because the only way for those deep yearnings to be ended is for me to do what I was built for.

So this is my quest ...to follow my Lord in what He wants me to use my talents for.

This quest may change daily, and so I will ask for the ability to be flexible and not give up when it seems as though I am not advancing in the proper direction.

And I do know,  because I know that He is ruler of the entire Universe... Even when I factor in free will and the evil within this life, I KNOW that if I give Him all of me ...as much as I am able...the intent being there...(I think at least intent counts)...that He is able to make it work out...in other words, even if I keep screwing up, He will make it work...

Okay...Sparky the dreamer signing off...ready and tentatively waiting for my steps to be determined...

Gorgeous day...

Isn't it funny how one day can be so sad, and the next full of sun and cheeriness?  Things seem so bleak one moment but then the moment passes.
...suddenly everything is new and just gorgeous...and you know what?
...I am going to go live and enjoy this gorgeousness!!!

If I Were a Bird...

So I was thinking...if I were a bird...I'd like to be a robin. When I was a child I didn't like robins...well I mean they were okay but they just weren't very pretty and...they kind of just blended in, you know? ...And I lived in the country so there were so many birds singing. I never really knew the song of the robin until I moved to the burbs in my adulthood.
Oh I love the song of the robin...it can't be beat...it signals spring and brings me such joy...its a happy little song. That is how I want to live the rest of my life...bringing joy and singing a little happy song...

I can Sing and I want to Sing...
This will be an introverted babble that no one will be able to suffer through . Still, I need to write it to get the sad feelings out.
Easter Sunday...I should be so happy, only I am not. I went to my church today of course...the same church I  have been attending for around 14 years. It was a wonderful service, and yet...I guess truth be told, I am very hurt by my church. You see, I feel very rejected there. So this wonderful church service went on around me, and I could feel the Spirit of the Lord, only then it became so surreal...I mean I was in the service, yet I was detached from all of the people. I am not foolish enough to think even for a moment that it is "them."  It of course must be me.
There are many reasons I feel rejected by my church. The first one is singing.
To Sing...or not to Sing
So, I am sitting there listening to mediocre singing, which is so fine because hey, sing to the Lord... give it all you've got...but I don't understand why when I have a very excellent voice according to those who have heard me sing, why after 14 years I never get to sing...I have offered...asked the music ministers to pray on the matter...yet I have only sung twice in 14 years...once on a Sunday night and once on a Wednesday night...never during the larger morning services. People used to ask me why I don't sing. I would tell them I assume it is not God's will. We would have a polite disagreement and that would be that.
The truth is, I don't know why I don't get to sing. I don't know why God gave me the talent to sing and then does not provide a venue in which I can sing for him.
Of course, then the thoughts come in to my mind...maybe I can't sing anymore...I am getting older, and didn't everyone say when Whitney Houston died, that all voices have an expiration date. And if that is the case then that is that. But, in my heart, I really don' t think that is the factual case. I mean my voice may or may not be as good as it used to be...I have only just begun to practice in earnest again...but I still think in its present condition it is a talent that should be used.
At this time I would like to note that today the music ministers daughter sang a solo...I am not impressed but if she is a sold out woman for God then I guess it's "cool."
Singing at church is delivering a message and so the condition of one's heart is of utmost importance. I know it is a ministry and I do not take this lightly. I do not know this girl, the music minister's daughter, and  so I don't know how close she walks with God. But then I think if we all had to wait until we were perfect to use our talents for the Lord, then no one would ever do it. I do not think the music ministers daughter is a great singer.
I feel totally rejected here...When they don' t let me sing, it hurts me deeply. They don't understand.
A few years ago, I decided not to even try to sing anymore. I thought I would rather not sing than to risk my ego getting in the way of glorifying God. I mourned the loss of my voice and went to college for Interior Design.
But after I graduated last year, I felt the Lord saying it was time for me to sing. So I approached the new music minister and asked him. It seems the only option for me would be in  the choir. I don't have time for the choir,and can I be brutal here...I don't care for the choir type of music. You see for me, I used to use my singing in church as an opportunity to invite people to church. I mean , I regularly invite people to church already, but they don't come for whatever reason. But you see, if I say that I will be singing...they will come out of curiosity and then of course there is always a chance they will here something that will show them the truth and love of Jesus Christ. It was my ministry and now I don't have it. People always loved when I sang.
If this is God's will I totally accept it, but ...his spirit lives within me too,and I am getting a different message. Maybe I am crazy.
This makes me think a lot about when I was a child. I have never had very high self-esteem. In fact  if I review my life honestly, it would seem as though my policy for most of it has sadly been "hate myself before someone else has a chance to."
So now, I don't hate myself anymore. I want to interact with people in life and be an encouragement...use my talents...but...no one seems to want that...me.
It is so embarrassing to admit that. It is like everything that I have ever feared is in fact not fiction ...very real.
I think about how my father always had a band. I was never asked to participate in the band.  Recently my father apologized for that. He said at the time he was afraid I would show him up, but he never thought that I would grow up with no self-confidence. It's okay dad...really...that's not on you...its within my own twisted mind. Only now that I have straightened a lot of the twists, I have to seriously ask...is church the same thing? Is that why I never get to sing? Because, if it is let me reassure everyone...I don't want to sing to show off,  though it would be validating if everyone finally knew I actually had a lot to offer...I just want to sing...and write...and use my talents...sigh...