I can Sing and I want to Sing...
This will be an introverted babble that no one will be able to suffer through . Still, I need to write it to get the sad feelings out.
Easter Sunday...I should be so happy, only I am not. I went to my church today of course...the same church I  have been attending for around 14 years. It was a wonderful service, and yet...I guess truth be told, I am very hurt by my church. You see, I feel very rejected there. So this wonderful church service went on around me, and I could feel the Spirit of the Lord, only then it became so surreal...I mean I was in the service, yet I was detached from all of the people. I am not foolish enough to think even for a moment that it is "them."  It of course must be me.
There are many reasons I feel rejected by my church. The first one is singing.
To Sing...or not to Sing
So, I am sitting there listening to mediocre singing, which is so fine because hey, sing to the Lord... give it all you've got...but I don't understand why when I have a very excellent voice according to those who have heard me sing, why after 14 years I never get to sing...I have offered...asked the music ministers to pray on the matter...yet I have only sung twice in 14 years...once on a Sunday night and once on a Wednesday night...never during the larger morning services. People used to ask me why I don't sing. I would tell them I assume it is not God's will. We would have a polite disagreement and that would be that.
The truth is, I don't know why I don't get to sing. I don't know why God gave me the talent to sing and then does not provide a venue in which I can sing for him.
Of course, then the thoughts come in to my mind...maybe I can't sing anymore...I am getting older, and didn't everyone say when Whitney Houston died, that all voices have an expiration date. And if that is the case then that is that. But, in my heart, I really don' t think that is the factual case. I mean my voice may or may not be as good as it used to be...I have only just begun to practice in earnest again...but I still think in its present condition it is a talent that should be used.
At this time I would like to note that today the music ministers daughter sang a solo...I am not impressed but if she is a sold out woman for God then I guess it's "cool."
Singing at church is delivering a message and so the condition of one's heart is of utmost importance. I know it is a ministry and I do not take this lightly. I do not know this girl, the music minister's daughter, and  so I don't know how close she walks with God. But then I think if we all had to wait until we were perfect to use our talents for the Lord, then no one would ever do it. I do not think the music ministers daughter is a great singer.
I feel totally rejected here...When they don' t let me sing, it hurts me deeply. They don't understand.
A few years ago, I decided not to even try to sing anymore. I thought I would rather not sing than to risk my ego getting in the way of glorifying God. I mourned the loss of my voice and went to college for Interior Design.
But after I graduated last year, I felt the Lord saying it was time for me to sing. So I approached the new music minister and asked him. It seems the only option for me would be in  the choir. I don't have time for the choir,and can I be brutal here...I don't care for the choir type of music. You see for me, I used to use my singing in church as an opportunity to invite people to church. I mean , I regularly invite people to church already, but they don't come for whatever reason. But you see, if I say that I will be singing...they will come out of curiosity and then of course there is always a chance they will here something that will show them the truth and love of Jesus Christ. It was my ministry and now I don't have it. People always loved when I sang.
If this is God's will I totally accept it, but ...his spirit lives within me too,and I am getting a different message. Maybe I am crazy.
This makes me think a lot about when I was a child. I have never had very high self-esteem. In fact  if I review my life honestly, it would seem as though my policy for most of it has sadly been "hate myself before someone else has a chance to."
So now, I don't hate myself anymore. I want to interact with people in life and be an encouragement...use my talents...but...no one seems to want that...me.
It is so embarrassing to admit that. It is like everything that I have ever feared is in fact not fiction ...very real.
I think about how my father always had a band. I was never asked to participate in the band.  Recently my father apologized for that. He said at the time he was afraid I would show him up, but he never thought that I would grow up with no self-confidence. It's okay dad...really...that's not on you...its within my own twisted mind. Only now that I have straightened a lot of the twists, I have to seriously ask...is church the same thing? Is that why I never get to sing? Because, if it is let me reassure everyone...I don't want to sing to show off,  though it would be validating if everyone finally knew I actually had a lot to offer...I just want to sing...and write...and use my talents...sigh...