Feelings are such Tricky Masters...

Feelings..moods, they are such tricky masters... maybe because they are not suppose to be in charge... but at least for me, the truth is, I operate much of my life as though I am enslaved by them.

Of course on an academic level, I know I am far more complex a creature than how I feel... I know this... that I am so much more.

               ...only when a wave of emotion rushes over me, I can't seem to ever find my footing or remember anything else about myself.  I allow the emotion to define me. I am Sparky the forsaken , or Sparky the devastated, and suddenly my world reverts to the cold dark place it has been for me for so long
                ...the place that I thought I had long escaped from for good.

So I am making a  pact with myself that when I am swept under the current, I will feel the water but not succumb to it's confines.

I will just be and experience the depths of the water
                ...and then, I will move my feet to find my footing...they still work...they can still feel...so I will use them

                ...and I will start to walk...and if the current is too strong I will let myself go so that I can float above the water...until the waves settle

               ...because the waves will settle.. they always do... and when they do then if I am far from shore, I will have to swim.  If I am still within the shallow end, as I so often am, then I will stand and walk out of the experience...stronger and wiser...

                ...and more apt to remember next time not to give up so quickly.

Only this is all about me. The truth is, more often than not I come out of sorrow, or anger, or any other oppressive emotion,  lost and stranded... 
                  ... yet no matter how far I drift or wander as the case may be, I know You are there, in control and waiting for me to ask for help. Sometimes, I don't even ask for help but You swoop in anyway and save the day.

                ...only, I always forget that ...

When I feel the water sweep over me, I panic and gasp for breath...and that very act of breathing in threatens to  drown me...

                ...sigh...maybe someday, when I grow up, I will be able to graduate to living out the different strategy I have laid out for myself.