Sometimes Life is just Difficult...

Sometimes things just aren't good ...and there is nothing you can do about it.
I try to control something... anything in my life, but I have come to realize that the things I thought I had control over... well... I was only fooling myself...

In a split second at many given times, I have watched as stations or accomplishments...really anything in life that I thought I had attained, or that I was blessed to enjoy for a time,  just fluttered away like the impossible to tame butterfly that finally found an opening in the jar...

I control nothing... and so I am afraid...
I need to control something... I need situations to be fair and for justice to prevail...
I am learning that only happens in good books and on TV.

It becomes ever so dreary and unbearable. When I can't take it any longer, it becomes imperative that I escape...
only to where can I run or hide?...There is no where...no place...
It has to be dealt with... it has to be felt and it has to be faced.

I can not bear it today however... so here is to more strength tomorrow.

Of course I know this is where I am suppose to have faith and trust the one who is in control... my Lord and Savior...

...sigh...I wish I had that faith... but... I don't

Dying to Become

I'm hip on the song  "Dying to Become"  by Kutless... I like it because it is about me and the shame of my over reaching in trying to help others like my friends or my children... but really anyone I guess.   I mean they didn't write it for me, but they could have ... by my incessant need to redirect to the path I think those I care about should follow, I push them away...

       ...I don't hear them when they need to be heard
...I don't hear them because I am too busy talking...
   
       "We draw the lines...and we cross them too...we don't know what we've done...but its what we do

                                  ...dying to become...more like you..."

So in the name of treating others like myself...in the name of loving others as my self...

                  Oh God...even in the name of Jesus...I get on my soap box thinking I am right and I end up hurting people ...the very people I want so badly to be there for...

                 What's to be done? All I can do now is go to Christ. I know when I ask Him to forgive me, He does, but its just that I make these terrible and unintentional messes...
               
   ...so I am asking Him to clean them up or show me how

   ...to all the people who I have not heard when they needed to be heard
       
    ...to all the people I have hurt by my own agenda

                ...I am so sorry